This is what happens when an English person watches the Super Bowl

Tonight, I watched Red Hot Chili Peppers sing Give It Away to a huge crowd and I fangirled so hard I think I’m broken. Before and after Red Hot Chili Peppers, there was little game – you might have heard of it – called the Super Bowl. I’ve never watched a game of American Football – no, you will not make me call it ‘football’ damn it – in my life, so naturally I decided I was going to watch, and do a write-up on the experience.

So here we have it: what happens when an English person (who has no understanding of American Football) watches the Super Bowl.

(I missed the start of the game, because toddler. I joined shortly after 7pm.)

7:11:  Everyone seems to be smashing into each other.

7:14: Apparently there are 59 seconds left. Somehow I don’t think that’s true.

7:15: I can’t remember who I’m supposed to be cheering for. Seattle? Maybe?

7:16: Whaddya know, those 59 seconds took two minutes. Well, the first half- wait, quarter? The first whatever that was is over just in time for me to give Lillian a bath.

7:54: Ads. Did I miss the half time show? I have no idea how long this game takes. I am so lost here.

7:56: Ah, now they’re talking about the half time show coming up. Fabulous. Wait, why is it “Bruno Mars, with special guests Red Hot Chili Peppers” ? Red Hot Chili Peppers have been around since the eighties. Has Bruno Mars even been alive since the eighties? And Red Hot Chili Peppers have six Grammys, and they’re in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and- oh, more football.

7:58: Can we just take a minute to address this? Football (as in ‘soccer’) is a game in which the players kick a round ball with their foot. This, however, seems to be a game in which the players smash into each other a lot and throw a sort of egg-shaped thing – you know, with their hands – every now and then.

8:02: Shit. Blue screen of death. I am streaming this online. IF I MISS RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS BECAUSE OF BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH I WILL BE PISSED.

8:09: Here we go! Show is starting!

8:09: ‘MURCA! (No, really, all I wrote was “‘MURCA”)

8:10: There are people on the pitch? What the hell?

8:11: Someone is going to get guillotined by that moving stage, Final-Destination-Style.

8:13: Much sparkle. Wow. So choreography.

8:13: HOLY SHIT 90s BOY BAND DANCING.

8:14: Seriously, how long is it going to take to clean that pitch up? Do Americans call it a pitch? I think it’s a field. Regardless, it’s now going to be trampled down and littered with trash. Nice move, Super Bowl.

8:16: Wow, footwork. Nice.

GIVE IT AWAY. OMFG. OMFG.

OMG. OMG. *Written so largely that it takes up half the page*

*Illegible*

No cock socks but OMG

I can’t take my eyes off the screen don’t know if I will be able to read this can’t look away

It’s like 2004-era Red Hot Chili Peppers, minus my beloved John Frusciante.

SO MUCH ENERGY!!!!!!

*Also illegible, seems to be a reference to Suck My Kiss*

8:19: What??? That’s it???

8:20: Oh, military servicemen (and women) commercial. I’m tearing up.

8:21: Okay, Bruno Mars actually has a phenomenal voice.

8:22: I really should be doing biology homework….

8:23: Why the bullet-riddled Union Jack? Seems a bit offensive, especially coming from a country whose flag is so respected that it isn’t allowed to touch the ground, and the damn national anthem was written about it.

8:28: Every sport needs to be aired slow-motion and accompanied by Led Zeppelin.

8:43: Crouch… Touch… Oops, wrong sport.

8:46: Shot to David Beckham checking his phone… I wonder if he’s looking up the rules?

8:51: Yep, not a single word of the commentary made sense to me there. Might as well be Dutch.

8:52: Rugby seems much more tactical than this. This really- OMG MARVEL.

Well. I know where I’ll be on April 4th.

But rugby seems so much more tactical than this. This seems to be more about smashing.

8:56: These guys are skinnier than I thought they would be.

8:57: Eeee-eee-vil woman! Love me some ELO.

Oh god, another military commercial *cries*. I need to find this version of “Coming Home”. Skylar Grey’s part was the only bit I ever liked. Also, I suddenly feel proud to be American, only, oh wait, I’m not American.

9:02: I’m amazed that I’m actually entertained by this.

9:04: I think the Seahawks might win this one.

9:08: Ouch, that looked painful.

9:12: Well, whaddya know, American Football has conversions, too.

9:19: JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP, JUMP UP, AND GET DOWN! That’s my jam!

9:20: *On the Reeses/Butterfinger commercial* Wait, was that a threesome joke?

9:29: Was that Aaron Paul? Yeah, bitch!

9:32: Did I hear that right? Does this team have a Sherman and a Thurman? How confusing.

9:36: I don’t really know who Tim Tebow is, but I want to see more 80s glam metal Tim Tebow.

*I send a text to a friend asking if we are indeed supporting the Seahawks. She confirms.*

9:38: What… What is the purpose of everyone lining up like that?

9:39: Apparently I have a thing for big men with blue eyes and beards. Not sure who that guy is but I wouldn’t mind seeing more of him. Nom nom nom.

9:42: Is everyone wearing the same boots? (I think Americans call them cleats?)

9:45: Ah, THURMOND, not Thurman. Still confusing.

9:48: WHOAH scary eyes. Maybe it was the camera angle but dudebuddy there just looked like Lurch from The Addams Family.

9:49: Yeah, Russell, WHY NOT YOU? That’s what we’re all asking.

9:51: #nohomo ?

9:51: PUPPIES!!!!! WHAT??? Let the puppy play with his horse friend, you bastard! Puppy… Leading… Horses… *dies, because cute*

9:52: *The Microsoft commercial comes on* Is someone cutting onions in here?

21:54: What a waste of Gatorade. Also, that’s kind of a dick tradition.

Full time report.

You ever read a game report and think “wh-what?” You know, the kind of summary that says things like ‘the winning team played better’, and you think “people are PAID to write this? A damn monkey could write this!” ? Well, this is my attempt at one of those over vague “well duh” reports. Since I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, I’ll probably be offered a sports journalist contract now 😉

I have to say, that was one of the most action-packed Super Bowls that I’ve ever seen. Excellent play from the Seahawks. It’s not that the Broncos played badly, per se, but their defense was lacking and I think the Seahawks wanted it more. They seemed to slack a little bit after Sherman went off, but at that point, you could hardly blame them: the game was theirs. And what a victory for a team who came such a long way, and fought so hard in the play-offs. The Broncos just missed a lot of opportunities from the very beginning, and that’s what cost them the game. It doesn’t come down to any one player or any one mistake: they just couldn’t match the power of the Seahawks. A very well-deserved victory for [the team captain of the Seahawks].

Do they even have team captains?

Night, y’all.

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