If my life were in a gossip magazine…

It would read a little like this:

Someone needs to tell Alice Hayes that panda eyes belong on the pandas! We met with the 23-year-old writer for an exclusive interview, and couldn’t help but notice the fierce dark circles under her eyes. We asked if there had been a makeup mishap, or if she was suffering from some sort of terrible skin disease.

“Na-no-ree-mo…” she said, staring blankly into the distance. “Kraken, slain… I haven’t slept since October. Is there wine? I drank all my wine.”

We pressed further for clarification about what ‘nanowreemo’ is (perhaps it’s some sort of viral infection?) or whether it is contagious, but Hayes began babbling incoherently about ‘word wars’ and ‘sprints’ and ‘2k in 1 hour challenges’. 

“And I just wrote this scene!” Hayes said, standing on top of her table in a frenzy, “this scene where this character just LAYS IT ALL OUT and you can see RIGHT INTO HIS SOUL and it’s such a big plot twist and I have no idea where it came from! I was just like, ‘whoah, brain, give me the words’ and THE WORDS CAME”. Hayes then stepped down from the table and sat in a chair, grinning maniacally, unresponsive. After a few moments, she appeared to have fallen asleep sitting up. She crashed onto the floor and continued snoring, only waking when we waved an opened bag of coffee in front of her nose.

Hayes called the interview short after a few minutes, stating “no, seriously, though, you’ve got to leave; I’ve got to write.”

Hayes refused to be filmed for any of our interview, but we do have a reconstruction of her reaction when we told her it is officially December and she no longer ‘needs‘ to write.

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